How To Be A Great House Guest

It is a truth universally acknowledged that extended stays with friends or family are fraught with hazards for even the strongest relationships, and with Christmas less than 12 sleeps away, 'tis officially the season to be jolly, joyous and really bloody patient.

For this year's festivities I am bound for the west coast of Scotland to join my boyfriend's family at their country home. They are an awesome bunch, and I couldn't ask for better {sure, they may read this}, but however much we enjoy one another's company, across four days and nights under one roof there is likely to be the odd grin and bear it moment on all sides.

So, in my usual way of dealing with a challenge, both real and imagined, I have read up a bit, spoken to adults and relived some awkward memories of my own, to come up with a list of ways in which even the most hapless individual can come off as a half decent house guest.

A family Christmas: what could possibly go wrong?

Firstly, arrive as you mean to go on...

Roughly translated as: independently and with minimal inconvenience. Regardless of how remote the destined cottage/apartment/castle, it is your responsibility to get yourself to the door. If a lift is proffered willingly, then by all means accept, but requesting station collection or adding your host to a WhatsApp group dedicated to your need for directions is not polite. Plus, otherwise quiet taxi ranks in the depths of the country need your cash, so be generous at this time of year!

On this note, first ask what time you should arrive. The cheapest train might seem the most obvious, but you then either a) arrive when the host is still in their pj’s and hang around like a spare part while they frantically get ready or b) arrive so late you not only aren’t able to offer a hand, but miss out on the champagne and canapés. And we all know Christmas isn't Christmas without a devil on horseback.

Pack right...

Figure out in advance whether your hosts dress for dinner or spend a lot of time outdoors and be sure to pack appropriately.

Why not take your own towels? Your host will obviously say "you shouldn't have done that!", but will be quietly thrilled when you leave them with only the bed linen to sort.

Don't be precious about anything. Unless it's a full blown nut allergy likely to end in your demise, just get on with it. Pack your medication and maybe a snack for your room after lights out and you're done.

Don't even mention being cold. Discreetly put on another layer and keep schtum. My soon-to-be mother-in-law recently discovered I wear thermal leggings under my jeans whilst at her home {what? It's Scotland...} and now insists on asking how I am "finding the temperature" when I visit. Awkward.

Once there...

Relax, but be sure to do your bit. Offer to pop out for forgotten items or, if your host is kind enough to lend a car, be extra kind and fill it up on your way back as a gesture of thanks.

Of a morning maybe check everyone else has showered before you run that nice, hot bath. Nothing adds to familial tension like not getting a shower.

Try to make yourself scarce at some point each day, for your own sanity as much as your hosts's. If you can't see obvious ways to be of use, let it be known that you're planning a walk and why not ask if you can take the dog out/post a letter or feed the chickens whilst you're at it?

If you want to be a real help, take on the worst of the jobs. Washing said dog after a muddy walk; peeling all the potatoes or criss-crossing the sodding sprouts {proven to add nothing, yet still we persist} - there are two types of 'helper' at house parties: Those who waft downstairs on a cloud of Chanel, demanding to help and promptly swanning-off mid napkin fold to talk to arrivals; and those who are basting and sweating alongside you as your guests start to pile in. You my friend, are the latter.

Whilst on this note if you want to be a true guestbook legend, try to ensure your host get 20 minutes to themselves {with sufficient hot water} before everyone else rocks up, as they will really thank you for this.

If you are an early riser, this is your chance to shine: fill the kettle, unload the dishwasher, put the drying up away and light the fire before everyone comes down.

Fall in line...

I am an only child, {no surprises there}, the daughter of two other only children {even more antisocial}. So our idea of a perfect end to Christmas day was collapsing in front of the fire with the remaining Quality Street and Vicar of Dibley Christmas special.

So please imagine my horror upon discovering that other families like games after dinner. Embarrassing, act-it-out, shouty games...Jesus. But I quickly learnt that when it is someone's else's gig it's your job as their guest to get stuck in, ideally humiliating yourself to provide entertainment, so you know what to do.

Take a proper gift...

NOT a warm bottle of Hardy's sauvignon and those M&S truffles that have been in the larder since Aunt Peg came to stay. I am talking something really luxury that you'd be over the moon to receive yourself, and which says "I recognise having us all descend on you for an extended period is a big deal...and advance apologies for when we annoy you."

Trust me, this is worth the investment, so that when you do accidentally use the last of the hot water whilst looking sheepish you can also surreptitiously light that three-wick candle and/or pop the cork on that chilled magnum. If you are staying more than three nights, a) really? and b) add an item for every extra night. And if you are bringing children...best make it a hamper.

Gifts likely to be well received...

- A bottle of their favourite scent {for men too}. If you don't know this, you probably shouldn't be forcing yourself into their home - just a thought.

- A three-wick orange and clove candle from the Spitalfields Candle Company. The scent is stronger than the finest luxury candles and Phillipa, who makes the candles personally, is in high demand from the top brands.

- Send a carefully curated case of wines ahead of time, with a note saying how much you are looking forward to your stay. Whilst I love an independent wine shop for individual bottles, you can't beat Majestic for advice on assembling a mixed case, and ensuring it is delivered to your destination on time {no, you don't want to be lugging it on the train}. Their last order date for Christmas is 7pm on 20th December, unless you're aiming for the wilds.

- Any gifts for children should ideally be silent and wonderfully distracting: should they require batteries, be sure to include these with them.

- If you're looking to go large, I recommend sticking to the classics: My mother was thrilled to receive an obscenely large Fortnums hamper from a boyfriend of mine the morning before he arrived for a winter weekend. She actively swoon when he turned up. If Fortnums feel a little obvious try HRH's Highgrove hampers which are very stylish, and their spiced fruit chutney is divine.

- Cashmere socks from Johnstons of Elgin, and if your host doesn't appreciate these, well, then they're weird and you can't possibly be blamed for such idiosyncrasies.

Ye cannae go wrong with a Highgrove Hamper

If in doubt, remember the pineapple rule

Aside from their current renaissance on just about everything, pineapples are well-recognised historically as a symbol of hospitality, adorning the tables and rooftops of the finest english homes since the 15th Century.

In fact they were in such high demand at one time that confectioners would rent them to households by the day and visitors confronted with a pineapple on the mantlepiece would have felt particularly honoured. And once the host felt a guest had outstayed their welcome they would simply remove the pineapple, neatly avoiding that "What time is your train?" chat.

So there you have it...to err is human, to forgive divine, so this Christmas just be considerate, take a {really} good gift and if in doubt, be sure to leave before the pineapple does.

Wishing you a very merry Christmas stay x